K| I Don’t Know Any Nice Boys

I don’t know any nice boys. I don’t. I’m sure they exist somewhere. But not here. Not where I live. Not where I go to school. Not anywhere I’ve ever been.

No, it’s not because I always go for the bad boys, because I don’t. Honestly, a bad boy not being nice wouldn’t even surprise me at all. I mean, they’re bad. They like being bad. How can you even expect them to be anything otherwise?

So I’m not talking about them.

I’m talking about the everyday, boy next door in your English class who get good grades and always hold the door for the person behind them. I’m talking about the boy who replies to your texts within a few minutes with a bunch of emojis. The kind of guy that you just can’t picture ever hurting a girl.

That’s the kind of guy Peter was. That’s why I wanted to be friends with him so badly. He always laughed at my jokes and he always had even wittier replies to throw back at me. He cared about everything that I had to say. He just sat and listened to me talk for hours sometimes. And when I was sad, he always knew just how to cheer me up. Everyone thought he was so nice. Everyone still thinks he’s so nice. And he wants to be nice, too, I’m sure of it. He’s proud of being the nice guy.

Only, he’s not so nice.

Because he wasn’t okay with being there for me as just a friend. He always wanted something more from me. But I didn’t want us to become anything more. I loved him, I really did, but I loved him as a friend. And I told him that, everything changed. He couldn’t even look at me anymore. He was so sad that he lost a prospective girl he could have dated in high school. He was so sad that he wasted more than two months on me.

I can’t believe he saw all of our talks and all of the times that we just sat with each other and enjoyed each others’ presence as a waste of time. I can’t believe he couldn’t just like me as a person and not as an option, a possibly girlfriend.

I know not all guys are like Peter. I know this. I know that there have to be some real, actually nice guys out there, but I have yet to meet one. And I don’t know if I can at this age. Not at 17 and in high school.

I just completed Driver’s Ed today. Driver’s Ed was a total of ten three hour sessions, meaning my life for the past two weeks was basically Driver’s Ed followed by Driver’s Ed followed by more Driver’s Ed. There was this boy in my class, Augustus, who, from the very first day of Driver’s Ed, has been staring and staring at me. I noticed out of my peripheral vision. It wasn’t like short glances or anything like that – it was literally ten minutes of staring directly at me, while I’m sitting in my seat doing the best that I can to just look forward and pretend not to notice, with maybe five minute intervals as breaks between the ten minute staring sessions for the entire three hours.

Then, today, which was the last day of Driver’s Ed, we basically were free to do whatever we wanted for an hour and then we were also let out early too and during that time, Augustus was staring at me again and I just really thought that he was mulling over trying to as for my number.

He would pace and he would come close, but he just couldn’t do it. All the way until he had to go, he just couldn’t do it, which kind of irritated me because it’s like if you’re going to stare at me every single day and make Driver’s Ed so uncomfortable for me, it makes it a little bit better if you ask for my number so then I can know that you’re not actually just totally creepy.

But he didn’t. I thought that was that.

But he had friended my best friend who went to Driver’s Ed with me earlier this week and so we thought it’d be funny if we just messaged him asking why he didn’t get my number. He replied really funnily and wittily and it was definitely a very flirty conversation where he basically ended up admitting that he was in fact staring (tell me something I don’t know) and that he thought I was really cute.

So this conversation basically goes on for like an hour and we’re both pretty sure he would otherwise be sleeping, so he’s actually staying up solely to flirt.

Then, out of nowhere, he says he has a girlfriend. I thought he was kidding. He just spent an hour flirting with us and admitting that he was attracted to me in a way that I also felt was flirtatious and not just matter-of-fact only to end up already having a girlfriend.

He could have said that at the very beginning. He didn’t even have to reply actually. And he definitely should not have said that he thought I was cute, because, seriously, what did he want me to do with that information when he is in a relationship? If he’s true to his girlfriend he wouldn’t have flirted at all. And, also, he wouldn’t have stared so much. He wouldn’t have spent all of Driver’s Ed staring at me and my friends.

In no way shape or form did we entice him to do so. The only thing we did during this whole time was when we messaged him. I can’t believe he just let us flirt with him with him shamelessly flirting back, even though he has a girlfriend.

Augustus is definitely someone you would think is a nice boy. Yeah, he’s a starer, but it’s almost because he’s so blatantly staring at you that makes you think he’s just naive. I honestly thought he was just too sissy to ask for my number and while it irked me, I have to admit, there is something endearing about it. Only I was wrong.

He isn’t a nice boy.

He flirts with other girls even though he has a girlfriend and he leads on other girls to think that he likes them even though he has a girlfriend. He makes himself available even though he’s not available.

Honestly, I could go on and on and on about all the different Peters and Augustuses that I know. This post would go on for days. But I think you get the point.

I just don’t know any actually nice boys. Even my best guy friend, Toby, is not really nice, but because he’s my friend and he only expects me to be his friend (unlike Peter), I’m more so okay with it, although our friendship is oftentimes hanging by a thread precisely because he isn’t that nice.

I don’t know any nice boys. It’s sad and it makes me really depressed to think about but it is what it is. I need to not wear my heart of my sleeve and I need to face it. Boys are awful creatures at this age. Even the nice ones turn out to be not so nice.

But this doesn’t mean I’m a misandrist. I have just simply accepted it that girlfriends are what I need at this point in my life and that boys are more of a fleeting, ethereal thing. Boys will come and go. I don’t think it’s wrong though to have expectations for boys, even if you get disappointed when they don’t meet your expectations. It’s not you. It’s them. You need to love yourself first, so you can’t just not expect to be treated right by boys and to let them trample on you and take you for granted.

I hope that these boys will grow up. I hope that they will become chivalrous men. I really, really hope so. But until then, I’m not going to give myself up to any of them and I’m not going to credit them as nice boys, because as of now, they aren’t.

Sincerely,

K

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