K| I’m Not a Bad Person

I want to start off by saying thank you so much, A, for taking the time to write a response to me in your latest post. I honestly had no idea that that was your first sleepover and because now I know that, I totally understand and respect your mindset. It’s so interesting to me that even after 3+ years of friendship, there are still things that we don’t know about each other that our blog, TOTTS (Tip of the Tongue Syndrome), has been able to bring to the surface, and for that I’m really grateful that we’re the kind of friends who can share something as deep and personal as TOTTS with each other.

So, after much introspective thinking and contemplation, I have come to the conclusion that these wild party scenes naturally just don’t bring out the best in people. I’d even go as far to say that they bring out the worst in people – at least, it brought out the worst in me. And the reason is because these parties pose dilemmas where no right choice comes without negative repercussions.

Seeing that guy blacked out and throwing up and knowing that if an ambulance were to come, I, along with everybody at party would get into legal problems, was tantamount to a fight or flight situation, and I instinctually chose to flee. Normally, in the day to day, we don’t have to face these fight or flight decisions, which is why making the right choice is actually much easier. For example, I’d like to think that I’m the kind of person who would give up my seat for an elder on the bus and someone who rushes to help people who’ve dropped their belongings onto the ground, but in these cases, helping someone out wouldn’t put myself or other people at further risk.

I do think that in choosing to leave and not help out the guy was a momentary lapse in my morals and my judgment, but I don’t think that if I were put in that situation again I would do anything different. I really, truly think that I would still flee. I still wouldn’t be the one to step up to call the ambulance, which is scary because I’ve realized that I could have been one of those hated teenagers in those news stories who let their classmate die at a party just because they were too scared to get themselves in trouble by calling for help.

But I also don’t think it defines who I am as a person. I don’t think it makes me a bad person. I think it just means I’m not cut out for scenes like these, but then again, is anyone cut out for them, really?

That’s why I’ve decided that I’m good. I don’t need to go to these parties anymore. I mean I’ve always known not to, which is why I never really partied before anyways, but this experience really confirmed to me that parties are really that bad. I think in moderation, you should be fine, but I don’t even know if I’m okay with partying in moderation.

So, the simple solution is just to not do it. Not party. Not put myself in that kind of situation. Not having the chance to end up in those news stories. Other people can make whatever choices they want and I wish them the best, but I can’t be the person who just makes whatever choice, I want to make the good choice. And I don’t think I’m capable of making the good choice at these parties, even though I don’t drink or smoke or do drugs. When you’re surrounded by an entire group of people that’s making illegal choices, you’re a part of it no matter how clean or sober you personally are, because it’s not personal anymore. I’ve decided that I’m just going to have to stay away, because I want to always be a good person. I don’t want to have to question that ever. I’m just not okay with living with that kind of doubt.

P.S. the guy is totally fine. Apparently, he just got up the next morning and drove himself home as if nothing happened just the night before. He even joked about it on Instagram. However, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at him the same, unfortunately. There’s just something about seeing a guy totally knocked out and vomiting all over himself that’s just not quite forgettable.

Sincerely,

K

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