K| Am I a Bad Person?

So, I went to my first “real” high school party ever tonight. It was a post prom party and you know how those things get. Pretty crazy.

Now, I’m a very clean person. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I don’t do drugs. And I don’t plan on doing anything of that sort soon, or at all, really. And I don’t like putting myself in situations where teenagers do drugs and drink alcohol. I guess I am what they call “straightedge,” which is why I had some misgivings about going to the party.

However, the person throwing the party was one of my best friends, Emma, and she really wanted me to go and I decided that one night at my best friend’s party won’t kill me. Besides, how bad could it get even? And I was also curious. I wanted to know what a “real” party would be like.

Since I didn’t go to prom, it made transportation to the party a bit more awkward than it could have been had I just went to prom. Instead of prom, as I mentioned in a previous post, some of my close friends, who also didn’t want to go to prom, and I decided to get to dinner together at Five Guys and then go bowling. And, out of all of us who went bowling, only I was going to Emma’s party afterwards, so I had to arrange a ride for myself from my mom (my dad would never let me to go to a party ever.)

So, my mom was really cool about this whole situation. And because we have a very open and honest relationship, I was totally truthful with her. I told her that I knew some people would be drinking and doing drugs at this party, but that I would 100% stay away from those activities, and because my mom trusts me, she decided to let me go. Initially, she wanted to pick me up at 12:30 AM, but I knew that the party wouldn’t even begin until 11 PM, so we decided that I would go to the party, see how bad it is, and then text her to let her know what I want to do.

There was a rule that there would be no drunk driving because of this party, so people who chose to drink and do drugs had to sleep over, but most people at this party, regardless of whether they were going to stay sober and clean or not, were going to sleep over anyways. But, I was pretty unsure about whether I wanted to sleep over or not, because I just didn’t know if I wanted to hang around the crowd that would be going to the party for that long, especially because many “drug squads” were going. But I brought my pajamas and a toothbrush anyways, in case I wanted to sleep over.

So, people didn’t start filling up this party until around midnight, so picking me up at 12:30 AM wasn’t really an option anymore. And it really wasn’t all that wild around that time anyways so I texted my mom saying that I felt safe and that I did want to sleep over, especially because A was sleeping over too.

At first, I wasn’t really feeling the party. I had never been to such a party before and I also had never interacted with drunk teenagers, or drunk people, at all before. But, soon, an hour went by and I started to feel pretty comfortable, especially because A and Emma and other friends of mine were staying sober.

But then around 2 AM, people really started getting high and messed up. People were hooking up in bedrooms, taking way too many shots, and the entire house reeked of marijuana. Plus, someone kept farting too, so it became an overall kind of disgusting environment. But, I was still fine with it. I was still willing to stay the night.

However, around 2:30 AM, this one guy, who’s in three of my classes at school, got soooo wasted or high or a combination of both, I really don’t know, that he just basically passed out. There were people following him and carrying him trying to get him to regain consciousness. And at first, I wasn’t even too worried. I had heard about his insane drinking and smoking habits before so I didn’t think too much of it, although I was a bit disturbed.

But then, people started really getting worried about him and words like “calling an ambulance” started getting thrown around and that’s when I just got scared. I was scared that he was going to die. But here’s the thing. I was MORE scared that someone was going to call the ambulance for real and that I was going to get caught at the scene. I was MORE scared for myself. I’m ashamed to type this out. I’m absolutely ashamed. But it’s the honest truth.

So, I wanted to get the heck out of there. While there were people cleaning up his puke, getting him to sit up, and honestly trying to just help him, I was trying to figure out how to leave ASAP. And I managed. I hitched a ride around 3 AM and now I’m home in my bed. A was one of the people who helping out this guy, and when I was leaving, I even tried to get her to leave with me because I want her there in that environment either, but she didn’t leave.

And at first, I was actually kind of mad at her. I was mad because why did she feel the need to play hero and stay in this situation when she could come home with me and we could be safe? And I’m sorry for thinking that, A, that you just wanted to “play hero.” I’ve realized now that you just wanted to help him because you had to make sure he was going to be okay, something that I clearly did not care about. I’m actually so selfish, it’s petrifying me.

I’m home right now (it’s 4 AM), lying in my bed, in my pajamas, and just feeling absolutely appalled by myself. Why didn’t I help him out? Why did I get angry at A? Why did I only care about myself? Am I a bad person?

And I want to end on a positive note and say that I figured it out and that I have a big lesson to tell you all, but I don’t. At least, not yet? I needed to write this all out for myself so that I can really think this through. I also think I need to talk to my mom about it. I’m just kind of all over the place and confused right now. But, you know, I don’t regret this experience. It really opened my eyes to myself and my natural instincts and behavior, which I’m unfortunately not too proud of right now. It was just surprisingly introspective, almost too introspective, I didn’t even want to know how selfish I am, but now I know, and now I have to face it.

Hopefully, in my next post I can answer some of the questions I posed tonight.

Goodnight. I’m going to sleep now.

Sincerely,

K

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