My best friend Laurie and I have known each other since I was 8 and she was 9, and we’ve managed to stay friends for more than 9 years, which I think is so precious. We just really click. We know exactly how to make each other laugh and we have so much fun when we’re together. Laurie’s also Chinese, which may not seem like that big of a deal, but it makes us close on an entirely different level because of all the cultural understandings that we share. Plus, we can gossip about people in public by speaking Chinese to each other. It’s great.
While I’m definitely the extrovert, Laurie is more of an introvert. Laurie’s the type of person who likes to keep things to herself and she could even come off as cold to people who don’t know her. Laurie especially doesn’t like talking about her personal life to people. She just likes her space. And for the longest time, I was the only exception to that. I was the only person in the entire world who she told every little detail about everything to.
But recently that changed.
Eight months ago, I introduced Laurie to this guy, Peter, who I was in an unofficial relationship with for almost two months towards the end of Sophomore year. Peter and I are kind of a long story and I’ll post about it some other time. Anyways, Laurie had told me that she thought he was cute and I figured that it was all for poops and giggles anyways and it wasn’t like Laurie was going to date him or anything, so I hitched them up to go to Homecoming together. Except I guess I misunderstood just how interested Laurie and Peter were in each other because they’ve been dating for, well, eight months now, on and off.
And while I really, really want to talk about Peter and the kind of person he is, I’m going to try to keep that to a minimum, because this post is really about me and Laurie.
When Peter and Laurie first started dating, I was honestly quite worried, because my experience with being in a relationship with Peter was really bad and ended terribly, so I didn’t want the same thing to happen to Laurie. And because we’re best friends, naturally I just told Laurie all of my concerns. I told her how I didn’t think he’d be a good boyfriend and how I don’t think he treats girls right. And I didn’t think it was weird of me to do that or anything because I just always thought that 9 years of friendship would mean that we could be totally honest with each other without jeopardizing our relationship. But, I guess I was wrong, because suddenly, I became on the outs and Peter was on the in.
It became clear to me that, Peter, who I am of no use to anymore since I got him the girl already, now saw me as the jealous best friend who couldn’t handle it when Laurie has someone other than me in her life and that Laurie now saw me as judgmental and controlling. I guess that’s why Laurie started to exclude me. The only way I’d find out anything about her life anymore was through Laurie’s snapstories. And her snapstories were always filled with clips of Laurie and Peter together having the greatest time, time that Laurie no longer made me for me.
As Peter and Laurie’s relationship lasted longer and longer, Laurie’s replies to me (because Laurie stopped talking to me first) became shorter and more cursory. I wasn’t the exception anymore. I was the rest of the people who Laurie didn’t talk about her personal life to, who she wanted space from.
But I wanted her to talk to me so badly. I wanted to know what was going on in her life again. I wanted to be her best friend again. But also I just really needed her to be my friend. I wanted to talk to her about me. I wanted to ask her how her day was, but I also wanted her to ask me how my day was. I wanted to tell her everything that was going on with me, but I couldn’t, because she just didn’t care anymore. When I told her that I started a blog, all she said was “okay cool.” Okay cool. Those two word just about killed me.
It made me so depressed, not knowing where I stood best friend. And the stupidest part is that it was all because of a boy. I just still can’t wrap my head around the fact that a boy caused all of this. But, I’m not really being honest. I know this wasn’t because of a boy. If our friendship was stronger, better, boys would not and could not come between us.
I guess it has gotten a bit better. We’ve been talking more lately, but it’s not the same as it was before Peter. And I have told her all that I’ve expressed today, in the hopes that maybe all we needed to do was talk it out, but she didn’t really hear what I was saying. It’s the worst feeling to just be talking about your feelings and pouring everything out to the person you consider a best friend, all the while knowing that they’re just not listening.
Honestly, I never planned on writing this at all. I was hoping that the distance between Laurie and I would be just temporary and when it would be over, I could just forget that I ever felt this way and I could just get over it. But then, today Laurie was kind of telling me about Peter and how they broke up, but everything was so off because she was being so vague and I realized that lately I’ve been vague with her too, because we’re scared of being judged by each other. But since when did best friends have to care about being judged by each other?
Then, twenty minutes later, Laurie tells me that she and Peter got back together, I asked why, and Laurie’s been unresponsive to me since. And in this time of no response, I’ve realized that I care about Laurie so much more than she cares about me, I mean when was the last time she asked me how my blog’s going? All I’ve been doing is waiting for her to love me again, but it’s been so long, and she hasn’t, and I’m going to her graduation next Thursday, but I know the whole time I’ll just be wondering where we stand as friends and how we’re going to be friends after Laurie leaves for college and I’m still a senior in high school, and I can’t help but think about how I just know that she and Peter have talked about it and they’re going to be fine, but Laurie and I haven’t had that conversation yet, and I don’t know if we will.
Here’s the thing though. Laurie and I don’t really fight. We bicker sometimes, but she hates arguments so much that she always manages to turn it around into casual conversation. And because of that, we’ll always be alright. We’re not going to have a big falling out where we scream at each other and claw at each others’ eyes. We’ll always be alright. But I don’t want to be just alright. I want us to be us again.
I just think that at the rate at which we’re falling out of date in each others lives, we’re eventually just going to fade apart completely. I’m confused and sad and I just don’t know what to do, or if there’s anything that I can do at all. You hear about people growing apart, but you never think it’ll happen between you and your best friend. And it’s so hard because I’m watching it all unfold from the sidelines and I don’t think Laurie knows that that’s where I’m at right now.
Right now, we hang out, not nearly as much as she does with Peter, but we do spend some time with each other. But we don’t share our deepest thoughts with each other anymore. We don’t talk about our dreams. We don’t talk about love. We don’t talk about friendship. And I really try to make it clear that I’m so willing to talk about those things again and that I’d be so happy if we could back to the way we used to be, but I just have to stop pining after that happening. I mean, I’m not giving up on us for real. I just understand that Laurie sees me differently now, possibly out of her comfort zone, and because of that we might not even be best friends anymore.
Our friendship was the best, but it might not last, and I have realized that I just have to be okay with it, for my own sake.
It’s sad, but I actually do have to move on. And by writing this all out, I’m moving on because I’ve accepted that I have to.