Let me begin this letter with an apology for putting you on blast on such a public platform (and sorry to you, reader, for the misunderstanding. My John is not like Channing – AT ALL). But recently I heard you called off your engagement and I felt inclined to address this particularly pressing issue. I’m going to be honest; the news came as a real shock. I know how important it is to you that you keep your image clean. I mean, even though you preach that you’re a sinner, I know you’d be mortified if any of us, impetuous students, found out your true dirty secrets. But you go and taint something so sacred as marriage? Wow – she really must have gotten under your skin. Just kidding. You probably drove her mad.
Anyways, I decided that while everything in your life seems to be slowly spiraling out of control, that I might as well say something that’s been bugging me for a while. There’s something you should know: I have been resenting you for so long. So, so long, that I can’t remember a time when I went to church without glaring at you (probably with our Father glaring down at me). You, in your a-little-toooo-skinny skinny jeans and Sperrys, are one of the main reasons I went to church. Because in church we ask for forgiveness, and I needed to be forgiven. For hating you, so, so much.
If you were actually reading this, you would probably be so appalled. Let’s be real, I don’t have the guts to ever say this to your face. I hate confrontation. But yeah, I hate you. And God, forgive me for hating my brother, but this just has to be said: John, in God’s eyes, you are no better than me, or my sister, or liars and thieves, or whores and gays. That’s right. You’re no better than the homosexual beings you love to call out every darn Sunday.
Church is for sinners, not saints, you always say. You may be a pastor John, and you may read your Bible every day, and pray before every meal, but you’re also a sinner, like me and every other human on this Earth. The Bible says it’s a sin to lay with another man, sure. The Bible also says it’s a sin for women to preach. The Bible says it’s a sin to wear two different fabrics at the same time! John, your go-to look is polyester flannel under wool sweaters! How can you bash and condemn a group of “sinners” when you’re just as “bad”? What gives you that right? Because you’ve read the Bible 50 times? Because you went to some wanky (Sorry, God) Bible college? Because you’re a pastor? You don’t have any right.
I think when you were pronounced the title “pastor” you went a little power crazy. After all, you’ve lived your entire life devoted to a man in the sky, always serving someone else. You probably enjoyed the sudden plethora of followers and the sudden platform to speak whatever you wanted. Sorry for attacking you and picking at all your faults, but that’s the thing, John. We all have faults.
You should know, there are some pretty dang impressionable kids in our youth group. They’re young and innocent, so everything you say, they’ll take as the truth. Some of your sermons, really do strike me as if they’re directly from God and I’m so glad that you’re sharing your message. But then you have go and hate on your gay roommate and all my respect for you is lost. I haven’t gotten that first rate Bible college education like you have, but I can tell you, God would not appreciate you damning his children. That’s right, the people you resent so much are your brothers and sisters in Christ. You and them? You’re are all in the same boat, you hypocrite. A hypocrite is a liar. You’re a liar, and your pants are on freaking fire.
When you hate on your brothers for loving another brother a little more than you do, or your sisters for falling in love for a fellow sister, those kids you preach to, they will believe it. They probably feel that something’s not right, but they won’t go against their pastor. To them, and to everyone else out there, you are the model Christian that they can trust. You seem like Kenneth from 30 Rock, all moral and upright. You seem like you have it all together, but I always knew you didn’t. No one does. (Except for God)
When I found out you broke off your engagement, I laughed for a while. But, I’m not happy. I really just want the best for you. But this also gives me a chance to properly call you out. Take care, John. I’ll keep you in my prayers.