K| The First BF

We met in the beginning of my freshmen year and the beginning of his junior year. While I was looking forward to the next four years of high school, he was busy thinking about the next step, college, which is why to this day, I have no idea why he would ever have wanted to date me, not that I have a thing specifically against age differences or anything. It’s just, now that I’m a junior I think about how different my life is and how I’m at such a different stage of my educational career and also just life in general that the idea of dating a freshmen is just almost nasty. While I am busy thinking about the next big step, college, the freshmen are still thinking about high school, for crying out loud. But, I digress. I’m bringing my emotions into this a little bit too early.

He always loved to say sweet things. He loved to tell me how pretty he thought I was, how hot even, which made me feel really uncomfortable because I didn’t feel hot. He loved to tell me how much he loved me: so much so that he could never love another girl ever again! He loved to tell me how great our relationship was going and how different we were from all the other gross couples who made out on the bus. I’d also like to point out that he made me make out with him on the bus.

One time, mid make-out sesh, he reached up for my breast. We were on the bus and this was around 6:50 in the morning. I almost screamed, I was so scared, but I didn’t. I felt so small. In that moment, it suddenly occurred to me that I was just 14 and he was 16 almost 17. I remember my heart was pounding so hard I thought it was going to explode out of my chest. I told him to stop. I told him I didn’t like it. And he just got mad at me. He asked why I wouldn’t let him touch me. I didn’t know how to answer, so I just didn’t say anything at all. Did I have a good reason for not letting him touch me? Did I need a reason? I wasn’t so sure anymore…

When we got to school, he started to yell at me. Why can’t I touch your boobs! All my friends get to touch their girlfriends boobs? Once again, I didn’t have an answer. All these other girls are clearly fine with it, why couldn’t I be fine with it? Was I being stupid here? He was just SO SURE of himself that HE was right and I was wrong that I suddenly felt like I didn’t know anything about anything anymore.

Looking back, the biggest mistake I made was doubting my own judgments. If I didn’t feel comfortable with him touching my boobs, then it means I shouldn’t give him permission to do so. But instead, I constantly questioned whether I was getting this whole relationship thing wrong. Maybe in real relationships you have to get touched however your partner wants to touch you. I mean, all of his friends get to touch their girlfriends’ bodies however they want. That had to mean something right? Wrong, but  I’ll get back to that later.

So we dated for almost three months in total and during that time a lot crap went down. His mom started to stalk me. First, she called me. She actually called me and told me to stay away from her son because I was distracting her son from his SATs, even though he would never let me sleep at night because he wanted to keep talking to me. If I didn’t keep messaging him, he would call my cell phone, then my house phone, then threaten to drive over to my house to come talk to me. Then, his mom called my dad. Yep. She actually called my dad and told my dad that I wouldn’t stop harassing and bothering her son and that my dad needed to start getting control over me.

Needless to say, World War III took place in my house regarding me and my BF, which I kept secret from my dad, but sort of told my mom about. I kept dating him. I can’t even believe I kept dating him, but yeah, I did. I figured our relationship would get better. I mean, he freaking “loved” me. That HAD to mean that our relationship was worth keeping.

What ultimately ended it between us was when I suddenly realized that he was harassing me. He was seriously harassing me. I couldn’t keep unplugging all the cords of the telephones in my house in the middle of the night because he wouldn’t stop calling me until I told him I loved him. I didn’t love him. How could I say that I love him when I didn’t love him? I didn’t know what love was. I still am not sure I know to this day.

When I broke up with him, he physically would not let me go. Real mature of him. He grabbed me and put his arms around me so tight that I thought I might never escape. But I pried myself out of his hands and I just ran.

Two weeks later, he started seeing another freshmen girl. I heard he told her he loved her too. Love. What a mystery.

This is what I learned from my first relationship:

1. It doesn’t matter how much they say they love you. If you don’t love them, you don’t love them. It’s not your fault.

2. You don’t owe ANYBODY your body or your touch. Nobody has any right to claim that they are entitled to touching you. That’s just messed up.

3. Don’t ruin your relationship with your parents over a high school relationship, or any relationship at all for that matter. Your parents love you. Your relationship with your parents are permanent. Boyfriends and girlfriends, they come and go.

4. Your relationship is not as deep as you think it is. At the time, I seriously thought we might have been Romeo and Juliet or something, with his whole mom not letting us see each other thing. I thought we were Shakespeare worthy. We weren’t. Do you think we were? Ha. Haha.

5. There are other fish in the sea. Seriously, I thought that I couldn’t bear to part with him, but I realized I just wanted to be in a relationship and I felt that if I broke up with him then I’d never get another boyfriend ever again. I promise you, you will be able to find somebody else. You have so long to find your true love. You don’t need high school to find your “the one.”

6. Only when you’re happy without being in a relationship is when you are mature enough to enter a relationship and not lose yourself. In other words, stop wanting it so bad. Just chill out.

7. The time that you save not being obsessed with your boyfriend/girlfriend is wonderful. There are so many things to do besides texting your boyfriend/girlfriend all the time. Find out your other interests.

8. You’re beautiful whether someone tells you you are or not. When we broke up, he told people I was ugly even after he told me that I was the most beautiful girl in the whole world when we were dating. Did my whole face just completely change when we broke up? No. That just shows how you shouldn’t take other people’s judgments so seriously, because people tend to just say whatever makes them feel better.

9. Have standards. Be a bit picky. Really think about whether or not it’s worth it to be in a relationship with the person you’re considering. Don’t just date just because they want you. A lot of people are going to want you. Date because you want to be with them, for real, for their personality, for who they are, not just for being in a relationship.

10. Your friends are definitely more important than your boyfriend/girlfriend in high school. Burn bridges with your friends and  you’re going to regret it when you and your boyfriend/girlfriend break up. But also, how would you feel if it was the other way around? How would you feel if your friend suddenly started ditching you to go hang out with someone they just met and now claim to be in love with?

If you don’t listen to any of my previous lessons, that’s fine, AS LONG AS YOU AT LEAST LISTEN TO #11.

11. It’s not cool to make out on the bus. It’s actually just ratchet. I remember for a while, people would actually AVOID sitting near me and my first bf so that they wouldn’t have to see/hear us making out. If you think PDA makes people think highly of you, you’re wrong. A peck is one thing, but a full on make out sesh is seriously something you should keep to your bedrooms or just somewhere private. Being self aware goes a long way.

I hope you enjoyed this peek into a dark part of my life. Just kidding. It wasn’t THAT bad. Okay, it was bad. But, that’s why I’m writing about it, so that none of this happens to you. Learn from my mistakes.


Sincerely,

K

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