A| My First BF

I am now following suit with the first boyfriend posts by both K and J. Boyfriends are tricky to talk about. You always risk sounding like you care too much, or you don’t care enough. You risk looking like the girl who is always thinking about boys, and no one ever liked that kind of girl. Trust me.

My first boyfriend, who happens to be the only boyfriend I’ve ever had, was very serious. Ours was a relationship that spanned such a long time that it’s alarming to speak about. For about 2 years, my BF happened to be the center of my life and the receiver of my undivided attention. We spent every waking hour texting or face-timing and we tried to find every possible opportunity to see each other for 20 minutes. After going to different high schools, things were rough. Things were always rough with him.

Now don’t get me wrong, we meshed. I think we meshed more than I ever thought was possible. He was one of my closest friends before any of this crush business began, and I think that really made a huge impression on our relationship. But it was tough because we both have really strong personalities. We’re stubborn and we don’t give up when we think we’re right. This resulted in skirmishes every week about things that I don’t even remember. But he was always a good person to me. He was supportive about things that I wanted to pursue, and he was good at making me feel better when I felt down. The relationship was pretty much heaven for the first year.

But you know, he was very condescending. He was so aloof sometimes that I wondered if we were even in a relationship. And sometimes he was mean. Just plain mean. You see, I was very insecure about everything that pertained to me. I still am, and I’d like to say that it got better but sometimes it still gets the best of me. As time progressed, he got more and more annoyed with the fact that I depended on him. I believe that this was both of our faults. We’re too young to understand a thing even now.

And when we broke up? I was a mess. I did things that I never even THOUGHT I was capable of doing. Everything was heading in a downward spiral and I couldn’t tell a soul about it. He was usually the only person I told everything to, because I thought of him as both my best friend and my boyfriend. Thankfully, I’ve broken out of that destructive spiral now and I’m getting stronger by myself. It’s tough, with some days turning into relapses, but it’s a lot better. I’m happier now and I realize that now isn’t the time to have a relationship. Boyfriends? When you look back, you’re going to think about your education. Not the boy who said he was going to take you to prom. You’ll reflect on your work ethic, not on how much you wanted to be with one person out of the 7 billion that you haven’t met.

My story has a happy ending though. I’ve learned to look for support in other things, like writing and piano and singing. I know now that boyfriends don’t last. They don’t. You either get married to them or you break up. Would you really want to stop dating when you’re only in high school because you’ve “planned your future”? It’s terrifying to think that I might have missed out on the high school experience by being invested in a boy who wasn’t all that invested in me. Things are getting better. They always get better, as long as you know how to accept change.

Where is ex-BF now? He’s at his high school with another girl who he’s not completely invested in. Sound familiar? I’ve realized now that he’s not a bad person. We’re still close friends who talk often about our lives and ask each other for advice. We still share jokes and we even laugh about how stupid we were to get so serious so quickly. The most important thing that I want all of you to get out of my rant is that nothing is better than a stable friendship. A relationship is like a table with three legs. If we force ourselves to look from a certain perception, we can pretend the table can stand by itself. There’s always some weakness though. You have to learn to accept that weakness and know that there’s strength elsewhere. My ex-BF and I have a stable friendship, and he is much less annoying now that I know I can walk away happy.


Best wishes,

A

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